getting married or something like that

this afternoon, a newly-wed- couple friends dropped by the house and sort of invited me to go out with them for some merienda and then later visited their humble abode. nice place. perfect for a couple like them who are about to start a new life together.

Life together. That struck me.

Am I cut out for such life? Was I designed to have a family of my own with a husband and kids? Such questions came rushing in my head, almost giving me a panic attack. I have always believed that I would make a good parent if I would be given a chance.

Looking at them, their home, and imagining how they have set up everything to start their lives together. I don't know what happened but it gave a certain effect on me. It gave me that feeling, some creepy feeling. It scared me. It gave me these questions like "Can i actually do something like this? Can I live with somebody and be a wife to him? Can I keep up with his expectations? Will I make a good wife? Will I be able to make him happy?" And I just didn't know what to say or how to respond to myself. All I know is that I am willing to do everything for this man that I love. I am so willing to become a wife or a partner who would give him everything that would give delight to his heart. I am so willing to become the mother of his children. I am willing to do whatever it will take me just to be with him and make him happy. Everything.

Am I going nuts? I don't know. I don't have the answers and I do not know if I would ever find the answers. As long as you are there and I am here. As long as you are with her, these visions will just be a part of an illusion in my head.

I never thought that I would come to this point that I would so want to be with you. How I wish I could hold you in my arms all the time. How I wish I could tell the world that you are the man that I love. How I wish I could. But I could never do those, not until you will become free and that would be so part of a reality that would never be. I do not want to pity myself for this but I will always keep these visions in my head and hope that one day they will come true for you and me. My love is so deep that I would always be willing to understand. It will be hard but I would like to hold on.

I love you.